{"id":14012,"date":"2018-03-26T09:00:44","date_gmt":"2018-03-26T13:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/museumhack.com\/?p=14012"},"modified":"2022-11-20T00:39:40","modified_gmt":"2022-11-20T05:39:40","slug":"worlds-worst-midlife-crisis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/","title":{"rendered":"The Real Hackstory of the World\u2019s Worst Midlife Crisis"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever seen the movie <em>Trainspotting<\/em>? It\u2019s mostly about Scottish heroin addicts and Iggy Pop, but it\u2019s also about the choice people\u2014and maybe men, more often\u2014sometimes make to be self-destructive for no rational reason.<\/p>\n<p>And, while this is the story of Stede Bonnet, who was an English pirate (briefly) in the 1700s, I think the opening monologue for that movie applies here pretty well: \u201cChoose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f*cking big television\u201d\u2014OK, maybe not that last bit.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut why,\u201d the narrator goes on, \u201cwould I want to do that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you\u2019ve got [piracy]?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This is what I imagine Stede Bonnet was thinking when, in 1717, he quit his life as a wealthy plantation owner on Barbados, quit his marriage, and quit his children to pursue a short, unrestrained, violent life of piracy.<span id='easy-footnote-1-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-1-14012' title=' Actorama. (Accessed March 16, 2018). https:\/\/www.actorama.com\/ms\/683\/John-Hodge-from-the-book-by-Irvine-Welsh\/Trainspotting '><sup>1<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<h3>What\u2019s Your Deal, Stede?<\/h3>\n<p>First of all, I need to get something out of the way: his name is indeed Stede Bonnet. Stede isn\u2019t a typo. I\u2019m not consistently botching \u201cSteve.\u201d Maybe his parents botched \u201cSteve.\u201d At any rate, I\u2019m just going to call him Stede because, as you\u2019ll see, he deserved no better.<\/p>\n<p>Details of Stede\u2019s early life on Barbados are hazy and, quite possibly, boring. He was born in 1688 and purportedly came from a \u201cgood English family,\u201d had a solid education, and was \u201cgenerally esteemed a Man of Letters.\u201d I\u2019m guessing that meant he knew all 26 of the letters and could generally string them together to form sentences. By this definition, I also consider myself a man of letters, though I haven\u2019t experienced any esteem for it. I guess the esteem bar was lower back then.<span id='easy-footnote-2-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-2-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>2<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>His old man died early on, leaving Stede with a 400-acre estate. Little Stede grew up and spent some time serving as a major in the local militia. He was a married man with kids, was wealthy, and could have kept on living in paradise, probably without expending too much effort.<span id='easy-footnote-3-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-3-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>3<\/sup><\/a><\/span> <span id='easy-footnote-4-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-4-14012' title=' Blazeski, Goran. (2016, November 22). Stede Bonnet: a pirate and a gentleman. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.thevintagenews.com\/2016\/11\/22\/stede-bonnet-a-pirate-and-a-gentleman\/ '><sup>4<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Buuut, in 1717, at the zenith of the \u201cGolden Age of Piracy\u201d (which was only, like, 1715-1720), Stede shirked the hell out of all his responsibilities, bought a sloop (a relatively simple single-mast ship), hired a crew, and set sail under a jolly roger. He christened his new vessel the <em>Revenge<\/em>. Why <em>Revenge<\/em>? Since Stede was a privileged man with no apparent enemies, I assume it\u2019s because Stede thought it sounded cooler than, say, Stede\u2019s Inheritance, which wouldn\u2019t have earned him any street cred. After all, no pirate worth his salt would pay for a ship\u2014they stole them from guys like Stede.<span id='easy-footnote-5-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-5-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>5<\/sup><\/a><\/span><span id='easy-footnote-6-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-6-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/ '><sup>6<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<h3>But \u2026 Why?<\/h3>\n<p>Beyond the general midlife crisis assumption, we don\u2019t really know.<\/p>\n<p>Some sources claim he blamed his decision on his wife, which does sound like something Stede would do. There were also rumors that he\u2019d had a mental breakdown, but who hasn\u2019t, right?<span id='easy-footnote-7-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-7-14012' title=' Blazeski, Goran. (2016, November 22). Stede Bonnet: a pirate and a gentleman. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.thevintagenews.com\/2016\/11\/22\/stede-bonnet-a-pirate-and-a-gentleman\/ '><sup>7<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>There were some warning signs: Sometime shortly before he became a pirate, Stede had borrowed \u00a31,700 (think: $400 grand), so he may have been having financial problems. Stede had lost his first child at some point, and that kind of thing puts a lot of stress on families.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe Stede didn\u2019t know how to handle these things because his father had died when Stede was young, leaving him without a role model, and thus ever questioning the nature of his own masculinity.<\/p>\n<p>Or maybe Stede was just a dick\u2014we really don\u2019t know. If you ask me, though, I think it comes down to this: Stede was only around 29 years old when he became a pirate. He was young, rich, and sheltered. He had spent his life on an island and, after 10 years of being a family man, was overcome by wanderlust. And he was angry: that he\u2019d lost his father as a kid, that his first child had died, and that he was now stuck in his hometown with a family he didn\u2019t seem to want. So, he made a change.<\/p>\n<h3>Bonnet Breaks Bad<\/h3>\n<p>Stede brought with him over 70 crewmen who probably thought he was a real dandy\u2014but he paid them out of pocket, so they were literally on board with Stede\u2019s ambitions for mayhem and maritime crime.<\/p>\n<p>Mind you, Stede\u2019s only experience with seamanship was that he\u2019d ridden on boats before. But his crew were experienced enough, so the <em>Revenge<\/em> actually did all right, for a time.<span id='easy-footnote-8-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-8-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/'><sup>8<\/sup><\/a><\/span> They sailed north and harried merchant vessels around the coasts of Virginia and New England, stealing goods and reportedly burning all captured ships that hailed from Stede\u2019s home island of Barbados\u2014probably to prevent news of his misdeeds from reaching home.<span id='easy-footnote-9-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-9-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>9<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Stede must have gotten a bit cocky after his early pirating success because he ordered the <em>Revenge<\/em> to attack a full-on Spanish man-of-war. Sloops aren\u2019t good at fighting big f*cking war ships, so half of Stede\u2019s crew died and he was badly injured.<span id='easy-footnote-10-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-10-14012' title=' Blazeski, Goran. (2016, November 22). Stede Bonnet: a pirate and a gentleman. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.thevintagenews.com\/2016\/11\/22\/stede-bonnet-a-pirate-and-a-gentleman\/ '><sup>10<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Nice going, Stede.<\/p>\n<h3>Never Meet Your Heroes<\/h3>\n<p>Following Stede\u2019s success, and also that little speed bump where half of his crew died of overexposure to Spanish man-of-war, Stede met a for-real pirate captain. And not just any for-real pirate captain, but <em>the<\/em> for-real pirate captain.<\/p>\n<p>Edward \u201cBlackbeard\u201d Teach was hanging out in Honduras when Stede showed up for a loot-spending pirate bender. Stede was floored (or decked, if you prefer to keep things nautical) to meet Blackbeard. And Blackbeard was probably pretty excited to meet a rube with money to burn.<\/p>\n<p>So, they agreed to team up. For Blackbeard, \u201cteamwork\u201d meant seizing full command of their combined fleet once at sea. Since Stede was still nursing his wounds from the fight with the man-of-war, Blackbeard made Stede a \u201cguest\u201d on his own ship, the <em>Queen Anne\u2019s Revenge<\/em>. There, Stede could kick it with Blackbeard and just relax, while Blackbeard\u2019s first mate took over the woeful duty of actually captaining the <em>Revenge<\/em>. After all, Stede was still nursing his wounds, and even his own crew knew that Stede was a sh*tty pirate captain. Of course, even Stede realized he was a glorified prisoner\u2014or cabin boy, at best\u2014and his bruised ego led him to plot his revenge.<span id='easy-footnote-11-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-11-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/ '><sup>11<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Stede wouldn\u2019t get his chance, though. After the two had docked their (read: Blackbeard\u2019s) fleet in North Carolina, Stede was sent ashore to a royal pardon for piracy, and was given permission to become a privateer\u2014a legally sanctioned pirate, of sorts, who would only attack ships belonging to enemies of the crown. When he traveled back to port, he found that Blackbeard had stripped the <em>Revenge<\/em>, abandoned it, and marooned around 25 of Stede\u2019s crew on a small island.<span id='easy-footnote-12-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-12-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/ '><sup>12<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Can you imagine that? Some guy who you relied on just abandons you out of nowhere, takes all your stuff, and f*cks off to go be a pirate somewhere else, without even thinking about your feelings? Can you imagine someone even doing that, Stede? Pretty sh*tty, right, Stede?<\/p>\n<h3>The \u201cGentleman Pirate\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>Some men may have been humbled by this experience. Not Stede. Stede had been out-pirated by the best, and it made him double down. Now was not the time for self-reflection, nor was it the time for honoring his pardon and becoming a privateer. Now was the time for doubling down and cranking the pirate knob up to 11.<\/p>\n<p>On the bright side, Blackbeard had given Stede a good reason for his ship to be named <em>Revenge<\/em>\u2014though he apparently couldn\u2019t appreciate that, since he renamed his ship the <em>Royal James<\/em> once he returned to piracy, hoping that the name change might confuse authorities and keep his pardon intact.<span id='easy-footnote-13-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-13-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>13<\/sup><\/a><\/span> Blackbeard was long gone by the time Stede got his ship and his crew back, so he vowed to seek vengeance upon Blackbeard.<\/p>\n<p>By this point, Stede had somehow actually gotten a little better at pirating. Blackbeard had a reputation for burning fuses in his own hair, but it seems like his treachery had also lit a fire under Stede\u2019s ass.<span id='easy-footnote-14-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-14-14012' title=' Minster, Christopher. (2018, February 26). Little Known Facts About Blackbeard the Pirate. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.thoughtco.com\/facts-about-blackbeard-the-pirate-2136236 '><sup>14<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Initially, Stede sailed after Blackbeard. Once he learned Blackbeard had left the area, Stede focused his efforts on raiding the Atlantic seaboard, capturing ships and splitting treasure with his crew. He embraced his inner bad boy: he killed prisoners, threatened innocents, and even dumped on his own crew for good measure. Word spread, and he finally had a name for himself: the \u201cGentleman Pirate.\u201d<span id='easy-footnote-15-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-15-14012' title=' North Carolina History Project. (Accessed March 20, 2018). Stede Bonnet (1688-1718). Retrieved from http:\/\/northcarolinahistory.org\/encyclopedia\/stede-bonnet-1688-1718\/ '><sup>15<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Unfortunately for Stede, his brief spell of luck would soon run out. He had captured a number of ships, but his own\u2014now the <em>Royal James<\/em>\u2014had begun to leak. In an attempt to clear the hull of barnacles, the ship was run aground. The crew of one captured vessel were released and promptly dropped a dime on Stede, alerting the authorities to the pirate ship that was now careened by lower Cape Fear.<span id='easy-footnote-16-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-16-14012' title=' Rankin, Hugh F. (Accessed March 16, 2018). Bonnet, Stede. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.ncpedia.org\/biography\/bonnet-stede '><sup>16<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, the governor of South Carolina had commissioned Colonel William Rhett to hunt pirates in the area. Rhett had been searching for another pirate, Charles Vane, when he heard about the nearby pirate ships. Rhett altered his course and sailed to the <em>Royal James<\/em> and its companion ships.<\/p>\n<p>There, Rhett and Stede\u2019s fleets met for the Battle of Cape Fear River. It was also known as the Battle of the Sandbars, because ships on both sides of the fight kept running aground on\u2014you guessed it\u2014sandbars. Over and over again. First, Rhett\u2019s ship, the <em>Henry<\/em>, ran aground. Thinking the <em>Henry<\/em> was a merchant ship, Stede sent some rowboats to capture it. Once they got close enough to realize it was a pirate-hunting ship, they rowed on back to warn Stede.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, the <em>Henry<\/em> was still stuck aground, so Stede had some time to think before the tide came in and mobilized Rhett\u2019s fleet once again. Stede was cornered in the mouth of the Cape Fear River, and needed to get past Rhett\u2019s ships in order to escape into the Atlantic. He decided not to try a nighttime escape, lest he also risk running aground. Instead, he and his pirates would spend the night preparing to fight their way out the next day.<\/p>\n<p>When day broke, Stede began his assault. When Rhett and Stede\u2019s ships met, they exchanged fire, broke formation, and\u2014yep\u2014ran aground on sandbars. They spent the next six hours or so exchanging fire, with Rhett\u2019s <em>Henry<\/em> getting the worst of it. Stede was feeling pretty alpha, I guess, because he spent the fight patrolling his deck with a pistol, threatening to shoot any of his crew who acted a coward. Up till this point, things were going well for Stede: while his crew had suffered nine casualties, Rhett had lost 30 men.<\/p>\n<p>Then the tide came back in. Contrary to popular belief, a rising tide does not lift all ships\u2014at least, not at the same time. Rhett\u2019s ships were downriver, so the tide raised those first while Stede\u2019s remained stranded. Rhett took full advantage, repaired his rigging and got the <em>Henry<\/em> into position to fire directly onto the deck of the <em>Royal James<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Stede lost all his sh*t and threatened to blow up his ship, himself, and everyone on board rather than be captured. His crew, however, disagreed, and moved to surrender in spite of their raging captain. Apparently, they were more afraid of taking a full broadside of cannon shot from the <em>Henry<\/em> than they were afraid of Stede and his little pistol.<\/p>\n<p>Stede\u2019s crew persuaded him to chill the f*ck out and not set fire to the powder magazine on the <em>Royal James<\/em>, killing everybody. Once things cooled off, Stede\u2019s ship was boarded, and all the pirates got busted.<span id='easy-footnote-17-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-17-14012' title=' Golden Age of Piracy. (Accessed March 20, 2018). Battle of Cape Fear River. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.goldenageofpiracy.org\/infamous-pirates\/battle-of-cape-fear-river.php'><sup>17<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Just like that, Stede\u2019s pirating career ended with more of a whimper than a bang.<span id='easy-footnote-18-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-18-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/ '><sup>18<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<h3>After a Couple of Years of Bailing on Stuff, Stede Bonnet Finally Hangs Around<\/h3>\n<p>Finding himself in custody, Stede became less interested in piracy and blowing himself up, and more interested in being a gentleman again\u2014particularly a gentleman who might be afforded some leniency, perhaps? Oh, and he tried to blame all that unfortunate piracy business on Blackbeard.<\/p>\n<p>While his trial outlasted the lives of his captured crew (who were hanged), his former status only appears to have bought him the extra bit of time necessary for the kind of due process that befitted a more \u201cimportant\u201d person. For his crimes, Stede Bonnet was convicted of piracy and hanged on December 10, 1718.<\/p>\n<p>The records of Stede Bonnet\u2019s trial for piracy are, to this day, some of the most valuable historical accounts of the lives of both Bonnet and Blackbeard, so I suppose we can consider that his legacy. I wouldn\u2019t give him too much credit for it, though.<\/p>\n<p>As for Stede, well \u2026 we may never know why he chose piracy. I do believe the allure of the lifestyle had much to do with it, in spite of\u2014or even because of\u2014the fact that pirates were known for having short and violent lives. Stede certainly got that.<\/p>\n<p>And, as a little bonus, Stede actually outlived Blackbeard, who died in a bloody battle with the British navy just a month prior to Stede\u2019s hanging.<span id='easy-footnote-19-14012' class='easy-footnote-margin-adjust'><\/span><span class='easy-footnote'><a href='https:\/\/museumhack.com\/worlds-worst-midlife-crisis\/#easy-footnote-bottom-19-14012' title=' Crawford, Amy. (2007, July 31). The Gentleman Pirate: How Stede Bonnet went from wealthy landowner to villain on the sea. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.smithsonianmag.com\/history\/the-gentleman-pirate-159418520\/ '><sup>19<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>So, <em>Revenge<\/em> after all?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In 1717, Stede Bonnet had it all: wealth, status, a family, a home on Barbados. But he gave it all up to become a philanthropist. Nah, just kidding. He became a pirate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":19801,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[274],"tags":[],"acf":{"show_faq":false,"faq_title":"","faq_description":"","faq_list_item":null},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Real Hackstory of the World\u2019s Worst Midlife Crisis<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In 1717, Stede Bonnet had it all: wealth, status, a family, a home. But he gave it all up to become a philanthropist. Nah, just kidding. 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